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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bailey's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Monday, May 20th, 2002
8:43 pm
BoRedom
What's your name, little boy?
Bailey Marie

What do you like to do on those long hot afternoons?
Wow, this is phone-sex operator-ish

Have you ever done something embarrassing?
Hell yes

Care to share it with the class?
It's too long to write...it all started with a boy named Addam...

Have you ever been caught having an "intimate moment" with yourself?
-giggling like a madman- I love that question...

Did getting caught turn you on?
Very much so. I always did do better with an audience...

Does it bother you that this survey is fucking sick?
-whispering- Shhh...I wrote it.

When is the last time you had sex?
Uh...good question.

When was the last time you thought about sex?
Eric...yummmm....-drool-

Have you ever considered shaving your head?
Once or twice

How about the rest of your body?
Done and done.

Have you ever worn fake fingernails?
Right now.

Did you find skin underneath them later?
I had to clean them.

Was the skin from fighting or from passion?
A little of both, baby.

What about blood?
That too.

Have you ever eaten a scab?
Yes

Was it your own?
That too.

Whose was it?
Eric-weasil's.

Have you ever listened to Guttermouth out of boredom?
YAY!

What is your favorite genre of music?
Good question...

Really?
Yes, smartass.

Have you ever burned a CD?
Just now.

What was it?
A mixture of Lords of Acid and Mindless Self Indulgence.

Have you ever done the old "Dark Side of the Moon"/ "Wizard of Oz" thing?
Of course (my birthday was weird)

What were you, stoned?
Drunk. And we did it while we were stoned, too.

Are you into white supremacy?
W.A.S.P. people scare me.

How about ugly people supremacy?
We need to be cool somehow, don't we?

Have you ever watched "Trainspotting"?
I love that movie -teary-eyed-

Did it make you want to pump yourself full of hard drugs?
Several times a day.

Have you ever had someone bite you?
Want a list?

Hard?
Mmmhmm.

Did it leave a mark on you?
Yes, it did.

Have you ever drunk alcohol?
Never.

What's your favorite drink?
Jim Beam, straight.

Honestly now: do you smoke the dope?
Eh...I plead the fifth.

Does it make it harder to talk to your mom?
Not really - we communicate better, I think.

I smoke it with your mom: do you?
Hehe hehe hehe

Is your mom your cousin?
No, but I do live in PA, so...

So, what's your sexuality, tiger?
-looking down-

Do you like it rough?
Who doesn't? Lay me down and dominate me.

Have you ever used handcuffs (in that way)?
The fifth again...

How about ropes?
Never had the chance...

Chains?
Once or twice

A whip or various whips?
A whip. Just one.

Is it apparent I'm bored?
VERY, you dumbass.

Have you ever had someone mock you?
All the fucking time.

Is it because you have a facial twitch?
I wish!

Do you like Fred Durst?
-shudder-

Isn't he just an asshole in a weird hat?
YES

Have you ever downloaded weird parody songs for your own amusement?
All the fucking time

Don't you think Rodney Carrington is hysterical?
-playing "Letter to my Penis"-

Do you like "Anarchy in the UK"?
Mmm, Sex Pistols

Do you like anarchy anywhere?
Slght self-mockery here...

Have you ever voted for anything?
They made me do it

Have you ever written in the name of someone for a vote?
We made our whole row.

Was it just for a joke?
Sort of

Was it Timothy Leary's cryogenically frozen head?
Them's were the days.

Do you think guitarists are overrated?
Sometimes.

Do you think all comic book geeks are overweight?
Probably.

Have you ever bought a comic book?
Yes, I have.

Played Dungeons and Dragons?
Nope.

Played "Suck and Blow" with people of your own sex?
Yes

Fallen off of something while drunk?
Trampoline, porch, bed...

Fought someone while drunk?
Eric, Leda, Lisa, Holly, Kylie, Lori, Kevin, Marky, Jungle...

What do you think about the prohibition of marijuana?
I think I need to buy more of it.

Do you think the government is a bunch of fuckers?
Indeed.

Do you talk about fighting the system?
All the time. The system and the Mexicans.

Do you do it by sitting at home, smoking pot and watching cartoons?
Yeah -grin-

Ever incorporate eating French fries in there?
Sometimes.

Ever spend three hours watching "The Proud Family" because everyone is too fucked up to
change the channel?
Me and Tonya and Sarah -cheering-

Ever fuck with someone's head on purpose while they are drunk? (example: telling someone they already went to the bathroom then making them laugh until they piss themselves)
Hehehehe - Brandon pissed himself.

Ever attend a concert?
Yes, I have.

Did the people in front of you Bogart the pot?
Damn Tool concert people...

What was your first concert?
A Perfect Circle

Who did you go with?
My aunt

Did you get your ass kicked in a pit?
Almost. Short fat men -shudder-

Do you like the fact that Misery Loves Co. has a song called "I Swallow"?
The song is great

Have you ever been making out and missed something important?
Once or twice.

Who was the first person you made out with?
Matt, probably.

Yeah, me too.
God, I'm not a good person.

Say something, and make it good.
I must increase my bust
Sunday, May 5th, 2002
4:46 pm
what a lovely fucking surprise
Yes, I'm updating on my live journal. Amazing, isn't it?
I don't know what to say...I kind of reserve this journal for the better moments of my life and basically my life has just been going downhill. Micah keeps asking me to write "happy things" in my dead journal and I just can't bring myself to make something up for him. I mean, why lie anyway? This journal, all the entries...there are so many memories surrounding them...I didn't keep this faithfully, I admit that, but I kept it better than any other journal I've ever had. I often get tired of my own thoughts and burn them. Burn them right up.
Well, this weekend was...special. I seem to have missed some sort of orgy/party thing. Instead I went to Big Dave's birthday party and listened to shitty bands and got hit on by Neil. The next day I worked all day on wedding food and was rewarded by not getting paid, but by getting slightly drunk with my brother instead. He's a good person, my brother. He really is.
Today I did...nothing. I worked for a little while, then came in here and have been sitting in front of this damned box for quite a while now. Fuck. I can't think of anything else to say.
Later
Thursday, March 28th, 2002
11:47 pm
to all the shit that has happened
MAKE YOUR OWN BONES

I know you're innocent no more
You'll see in me that you're not immortal
I see right through you
You cannot live inside yourself
You cannot lie forever
We see right through you

It's everything you know about, you say it's true
But still I know about your ways, so fuck you
But still you've done it everything, well I've done it twice
But there's something else that's coming
So hold your breath
Well I know that you're perfect, so raise your hands
And we know that you're nothing, show us again
But still I can't believe the pain that you caused
And still I know about your ways, so fuck you

You hold your head up and deny
You realize that you're not all moral
They see right through you
You'll cheat and lie until you're dead
You cannot live forever
Disease runs through you
Listen carefully...

Repeat chorus

I faked it all
Then and always
Inside and out
We'll forget you







Everything in my life has fallen apart so fast. I have no control over it, any of it. I really hope something drastic happens soon, like my jaw falls off or I suddenly, magically catch on fire and take a lot of people down with me. I wish this shaking would fucking stop. I'm going to vomit. Goodnight.

Current Mood: cold
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
5:20 pm
GRINNING

take time think about when it's over
and when I see you where's your line
I cannot hear all the truth through
your crying
it's time that I check my face
faggot, you know it
the sun in my face
forced my grin
teeth shining, with dimples
kill away the lust

it happens way too often
eyes closed and mouth forced open
you always seem confused
hands up and now you proved
that when
you kick my ass
but please don't hit my face
so I can laugh

hey faggot
where's your friends cause you know
that you can't hide

alone
you know you're shit so
hit him in the face, in the face
come on do it again
in the face, in the face
come on do it, hit him
in the face, in the face
come on do it
again and again, and again

it happens way too often
eyes closed and mouth forced open
you always seemed confused
hands up and now you proved
that when
you kick my ass
but please don't hit my face
so I can laugh
fuck you
stop grinning
fix your eyes kid
wipe that shit off your face
look away boy
stop staring
stop grinning
stop laughing

no doubt you would all tear me limb
from limb should I ever
relinquish this control...
but that shall never be...

kill it
that face
break my teeth
my smile
tear my skin
expose
lose control and feel it
hit him









So much shit has been going on...everything falls apart so quickly...talk, if you still read this journal...I need some feedback, or I'm just going to kill this one off....

Current Mood: sick
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
6:47 pm

You don't
really care about anything or anyone, except for your Game Slave.
Take the Invader Zim quiz!

Current Mood: calm
Sunday, February 17th, 2002
2:47 pm
A week has gone by.
Lixa? Where, oh where is Lixa?
Sol is still missing. No contact, online nor by mail. I honestly cannot say that I'm surprised. After a while I just kind of accepted it. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, I'm just saying that I refuse to be really upset over it.
Brandon. Well, the whole going-to-the-Cafe-with-Brandon thing didn't work out. Negligence on both parts. He did not show up. I left a weird message on his answering machine, though. I wish it all would have gone as semi-planned. Now I'm in this horrible bitter mood.
More later, maybe.
Pleasant something, people.

Current Mood: lonely
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
9:01 pm
-tired-
I'm supposed to be working on my Health report. I have been putting it off, along with an English essay (now three weeks late) and a lot of other shit I need to make up. Instead, I'm sitting here stoned. Good fucking idea, right? Yeah. I still have yet to start on hemophilia, but it should be an easy enough topic. I need to talk to Brandon about riding up to the Cafe with him. Fuck, I'm so behind on everything. And all I want to do is sleep. I have weed in my wallet for tomorrow morning. I'm set. At least until I hit the school. Then I'm fucking, royally fucked. I need to make up two Section Reviews and some sort of project for History, I need to make up two tests for Pietrala...fuck...He was all pissed because of the statting thing..well, I may be back later...Pleasant something, people.

Current Mood: high
Monday, February 11th, 2002
4:41 pm
Mullet-Jard is a bad person.
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
-If you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2".
-If you have multiple personalitites, please press "3", "4", and "5".
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the internet so we can trace your line.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
Thank you.

Current Mood: drained
Sunday, February 10th, 2002
1:25 pm
...'nother evening
Well, went to the mall again. I feel very odd, going to the mall twice in one weekend - hell, I usually don't even go once every two months. I still didn't find anything. I ended up kidnapping Steele into going with me. It was fun, most of it. The girl Steele has decided he likes got me high in the parking garage, which was a pleasant change from my normal mall adventures. She was nice, but...-shrugs- I don't know what to say. Anywho, we had some nice conversations, etc. It was an interesting evening, plus we drove him home in the shaggin' wagon (AKA the Astro-van). Fun funness, if you could call it that. I feel very alone today. "I know I'll be alone again"...yeah...even in a crowd I felt so fucking alone...I don't think Gina (sp?) liked me much, but I was feeling antisocialish, so I just wandered off. It wasn't awful, but I do hate feeling outside of the crowd and I feel it all the time. It eats away at you after a while. But anyway, I'm tired now. And I'm talking to James and Steele. James is questioning me on why I think he hates me. And Steele...well, we're just babbling. I think I'm going to watch my movie in a while, or something, so watch for my "away" thingy on the messengers. Pleasant something, people.

Current Mood: bitchy
Saturday, February 9th, 2002
9:16 am
- recovery -
Last night was interesting to say the least...
I called Eric around three-thirty to see what he was doing last night. He told me he had made plans to go up to the mall with Steele. I asked if I could tag along, seeing as that I needed to buy a new something to wear to the Dissevered show. I wanted to look at least semi-feminine, sort of. Well, to make an annoying story short, all these people began following us, like the Pied Piper, or something. Eric was in a long black crushed velvet skirt, a form-fitting button-down top and a tie. Steele was wearing the "homemade" pants - half camouflage, half black jeans and a trench coat and fingerless gloves. I was the most toned down. I didn't feel like looking like anything particular, so I wore my usual uniform of baggy jeans, the "Fuck You" shirt and my backpack. Eric, of course, was completely made-up, Brandon wasn't and I was hardly wearing any make-up (what a fucking shocker, right?). Anywho, we went along our merry way, with about fifteen people following us. All of them were rather annoying, except the teddy bear guy (can't remember his damn name, but he is really nice), David the Gnome and that one girl. The girl with the blue hair was nice too, she sold us her pot cheap because she has a thing for Eric (you could tell). So anyway, Steele and his girlfriend ended up breaking up. He was really upset, but then we took him to Denny's and ordered him coffee and fed him caffeine pills, so he felt energized and pissed.I took one, and Eric had three. So, after Denny's we went back to Eric's house. We decided to get high and then I'd call my mother. Well, bad idea. I figured the stuff she sold us would be shit, basically, because we got it cheap. It wasn't. There was something else in it, not cocaine, but something else. We got really fucked up and I stared getting really paranoid and couldn't call my mother until twelve-thirty (we got to Eric's around eleven-fifteen). Instead we sat there listening to mixes that Andrew did which were surprisingly good. By then I was feeling really fucking sick, from the pot and the caffeine, so I called my mother and she came and got me. I stumbled into the house, put my Tool posters down (Eric got me presents) and fell asleep fully clothed. I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Then, of course, my mother has to help the situation by yelling at me first thing this morning. Now I'm just tired. And having a weird craving for coffee. Well, more later on, maybe. Pleasant something.

Current Mood: cold
Thursday, February 7th, 2002
5:29 pm
Well, my stupidity helped today. I spent most of my day standing in a hot, disgusting kitchen talking to Brandon Steele(of all people)about bullshit in general. Tonya and I didn't seem to be as close when she was around Stephany and company, and she kept accusing me of flirting with Brandon. I really think she might have a thing for him - I honestly wasn't flirting at all with him, he isn't my type. I just didn't have anything else to do. I watched him chop onions, then peppers and tomatos, all with this oversized butcher knife. It was kind of funny. I spent the hour after that fucking-off with Kylie Jane and Cavallo (AKA Dr Ayllo). It wasn't awful, we had an ok time, I guess. We just kind of jerked around with Cam Burger (I fuck with you not, friend, that was really his name) babbled on about five "ladies" (one of them being a man named Fred). I'm worried about Sol (fuck, I love having that other journal). Anyway...I don't know...I think I'm going to end up calling Eric, or something...I feel like shit...Later on, people.

Current Mood: distressed
Monday, February 4th, 2002
6:49 pm
Boredom at it's loudest and most typical stage...
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? With my tyrannical parents (I know Holly and everyone else loves them, but try living with them)

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Um, about six separate ones including "Brave New World Revisited" and something by Toni Morrison.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing. It's black and has the little cushy wrist thing.

4. FAVORITE BOARDGAME? Well, Chutes and Ladders, 'cause damn that is cool. Twister -winks-

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Don't have one. Comic books on the other hand

6. FAVORITE SMELLS? Uh, definitely not the smell that is filling my house now. I burned a bowl of rice.

7. FAVORITE SOUND? Rain. Certain bands or genres of music. The sound of an entire crowd holding it's collective breath.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Complete and utter isolation.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Whether or not I locked my door before going to bed. And sometimes certain people.

10. FAVORITE COLOR? Deep blue or purple and black (tres goth)

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE
PHONE? I usually don't answer it.

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Um, Accident Baby?

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Doing something that makes you content for five fucking minutes.

14. FAVORITE FOODS? Don't really have onealthough rice is awesome.

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA ? Vanilla

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Depends on what I am driving.

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Nope, but I do sleep with a pillow.

18. STORMS, COOL OR SCARY? Erotic.

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Not yetsoon though

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE,
WHO WOULD IT BE? Uh, Jim Morrisonor Timothy Learyor Syd Barrettthe list goes on

21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Jim Beam, straight shots.

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Leo

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I avoid the vegetable altogether.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT
WOULD it be? Uhhomeless wandering bum?

25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT
WOULD IT BE? I can dye it any color. Right now it is deep dark purple. I may strip and dye it though.

26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Smashed against the wall because I'm running out of liquor.

28. FAVORITE MOVIE? "Welcome to the Dollhouse" "Rocky Horror Picture Show" (-winks to 'Franky'-) "The Filth and the Fury" "Trainspotting" "Heavenly Creatures"

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT
KEYS? Not at all. In fact I'm looking at the keys and typing with about four of my ten fingers right now. Damned amazing, yes?

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Tons of seeecret things.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? Fouror eight

32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Muh?

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO
SENT YOU THIS E-MAIL. My cousin Brianna isnot going to read this, so who gives a flying fuck, right?

34. OF THE PEOPLE YOU SENT THIS TO, WHO IS THE
MOST LIKELY TO
RESPOND? I didn't send it out. I did the stupid thing and posted it in my live journal.

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO THAT IS LEAST LIKELY
TO RESPOND. Uh, if I had sent it out, I'd say everyone because my friends are too busy for this type of shit (I would be too if I wasn't grounded)

36. FAVORITE TYPE OF MUSIC. Why, are you buying me tickets or something?

37. FAVORITE PLACE TO HANGOUT. The American Music Caf, my room, under bridges, in the woods, by my selflate at night

38. FAVORITE SHOW. I've been avoiding the TV for the last few months, really I have

39. FAVORITE MEMORY. Um, burning the letters and dumping them in the pond. New Years Eve with Kylie Jane and Lori. Some of the times at the AMC were really great. Like the night the cops showed up, eh, Kylie?

40. FAVORITE MONTH OR SEASON. Fall or spring. Good times for walking. Still chilly but not cold enough to freeze.



(If you want to fill this out (oh, you know you do) then just copy, paste, fill in and leave it as a comment. I'm bored enough to read through all of them)

Current Mood: bored
8:27 am
I'm in an angry, sarcastic mood this morning. Mainly, I think, from this hang-over, which isn't as bad as it could have been. I'm out of alcohol, although I have money to buy more. I just need to find someone over twenty-one willing to buy it for me. Ok, no, bad girl. No more binge drinking. But at least when I was drinking I only did it to the point of a nice alcohol buzz, the one that either gets you through the evening or makes you explode hideously on friends. Either way it made my life for interesting. But on to other things...wait, I have no other things. All I've been doing lately is drinking on and off. Fuck! I can't do this, this can't be me. Seriously, I can't let myself do this, I don't want to get drunk every evening, do I? I don't know...I'm having a few self-realizations here...I'll be back...

Current Mood: groggy
Saturday, February 2nd, 2002
8:12 pm
Procrastination
I have so much shit to do. And I have none of it done. And I did a really fucking stupid thing. After Brianne sat there and made up that nice little French review thing for me, I forgot it. So now I'm sitting here, thinking about how bad I'm going to do on this midterm. I keep reminding myself of things and forgetting them. I've been trying to go back to www.thisisacryforhelp.com for about two weeks now and keep forgetting. Fuck, I can hear us screaming on this recording. Well, us or people like us. I've been meaning to check out Kylie's dead journal for a few weeks now. I've also been meaning to put some lyrics and poetry in here for...a long fucking time. Instead I'm sitting here, pinpointing the exact times in the live versions of Dissevered song you can hear people (possibly us) screaming. It's weird. It's really weird to think that someone half a world away could listen to this and hear us. I mean, they'll dismiss us as a bunch of stupid little teenagers screaming at the band, but really we're big stupid teenagers screaming at a band we love. They kicked Josh out! He is no longer their bassist. He is very upset, or so I hear. I feel bad about it. I mean, he wasn't an awful bassist, just mediocre. I don't know. I think it is so strange that this band could become really huge and I can say that I was in Davey Palmer's house. Girlish squeal and a half, right? Yeah, but I was only there for other people's purposes, so it kind of doesn't count. I just sat in the living room, watching Courage the Cowardly Dog with Eric and Andrew. Yeah, that was the night Eric and I got the sex talk and I smacked Amanda in the her newly-pierced nipple while slow-moshing to a Creed song. Yeah, we were all pretty fucked up that night. Anyway, I think I'm going to get around to a few things on that little list I made. Oh, and I have three CDs to burn, not including the other two that Cavallo wants. Fuck him sideways, I don't feel like doing it tonight.

Current Mood: busy
2:38 pm
Today I decided to torture myself further by excepting a position shadowing in a highly public place. Dr. Gene was nice enough, although Dr Dan was kind of weird. I don't think he knew how to handle my presence, he seemed nervous and kept asking me questions. I watched them prepare to do X-rays, I watched many be adjusted. It was strange. We spent a large part of the day just watching the telephone poles and traffic lights sway. Old people...my God the old people...I still feel sick...But anyway, I had an all right time. Tomorrow I go with Cindy the caseworker. I am going with her and a troubled teen (who "reminds her of me"...Me? Troubled?)...shopping...people...ugh. But I'll live. I'm interested in meeting this girl, despite my normal dislike for females in general. I don't know what to say or do around them, I hate their gestures and their backstabbing nature and the way the think all eyes are upon them at all times and if they are not conceited then they are too insecure for fun...fuck...oh well...I'm still in an ok mood.

Current Mood: restless
Friday, February 1st, 2002
7:08 pm
Yippee pour moi, oui?
Well, what can I say? Being confinedstucktrappedit is not as bad as it could be. I come home, do my work, come down here and get online. I haven't been spending much time online (sorry guys) but I have been trying to "keep my nose clean" and just get through this. Fits of melancholic have started me drinking a bit, but other than that no drugs. I thought I would not be able to survive without them or without my online freedom, but I'm doing all right, so far. My homework is a bitch, I hate French, but I am working, I am improving. I am putting on a damn good show. I will beat my family. I will gain control of my life again. I just need to get myself out of this pit, their trap. Holly is ill. She may end up with infectious mono, but the chances are slim. I'm worried, but I still feel detached, still bitter about her not calling me when I was missing for a week. I have been drinking a bit tonight alreadystarted very early in the afternoon. Tomorrow I got to work with Dr Gene. Fun funness. I don't really feel like it, but I'm thinking of taking this bottle of spiked Pepsi with me. I hate the taste of Pepsi, but I'll survive and a comforting alcohol buzz will keep me content and mute most of the day. Yay for Dr Gene.
Next topic: I quit therapy. Yeah, I'm out. Not because I was too much to handle and sure as hell not because I was deemed mentally fit. I finally got my mother talked into itshe thinks she is punishing me with thisI couldn't be more pleasedI may still have to attend sometimes, but I'll live through those. I know how to play the game, give them what they want. "Yeah, I'll be fine'just a passing phase, one of my bad days'" and then I spread my arms and fly off. Er, yeah. I need to fill out this damn formI have been putting it off for two weekstwo fucking weeksWild, huh? All I have to do is transfer the address from this piece of paper on to the formsand I have yet to do itand they need to be in tomorrowso I can have a free absence, a free fuck-off day. Yippee for me, yes?
I don't know what else to writeI miss you all so much, and the physical world is kicking my assI hate it out hereI don't know quite how to deal with itand every day I miss Sol moreI miss him so much sometimeshell, all the timeAnd Lixa tooI miss Robin a lot, Robin and Hollythey remind me so much of one anotherI wish both of them to mail mebut I have not checked my mail todayI wish Sol to mail me toomaybe they all havewouldn't that be nice for me? -jig-

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
6:00 pm
The restriction part...
Well yesterday I had a nice huge fight with the mother which ended in my grounding for the next four weeks and her allowing me to smoke pot. Yes, folks, that is literally how it went. It was strange. We fought about everything, from my grades to my inverted nature to my excessive use of the wonderful, wonderful online world. I've been limited - half an hour a day, weekends give me two hours a day. A right fuck-up, huh? I know...I should have calmed down...repented...all that shit...but in a way this is kind of a relief...they have become the parents they should have been when I was young, only now it's unwanted, unneeded, I just want to be left alone. So, after all the fighting she calms down and says "I smoke pot, and I'm not a hypocrite..." which I have taken to mean that I can smoke pot. This computer restriction is going to get to me though. It's going to be tough. And I have to get a job, working in a pizza kitchen in Blairseville. The Italian Club. Think Connie will let me drink on the job? It would be a nice change...on the other hand, some people are really coming through for me in the drug department...I stopped for so long, but these four weeks are going to be pure hell - cut off from people (usually not a big loss), online, walking at night - they are even limiting the times I'm allowed to write and read for pleasure (literally). Fucked up...truly fucked up...but I'll get around it all and if I work my ass off at everything I can get my unlimited time back. While we are on the subject of being cut off and things that are unfair and suck for me in general, Sol is going back to school February the fourteenth. This is going to make it even harder for me to have time to talk to him, although I still intend to send him snail mail. I'm going to be sending out a lot of letters, actually. I have nothing else to do and the phone is...well, the phone. The only time I go anywhere is February sixteenth, to the Cafe to see Dissevered and Solemn and only then if Brandon wants to go with me. If not, I think I have to stay home. The only reason they will let me go is because I told them I made plans to meet people there. I think I may actually relish the public that time, just getting the chance to smash into random strangers, getting the chance to be out...I don't know...I think I'm going to be doing a lot more walking...I'm going to miss everyone so much...Sol...Robin...Lixa...Ian...all my AIM people...a few more I'm forgetting...Christ, this is going to be hard...if you really want me to keep in touch with you day by day, share your addresses with me (yes, I'm creepy, but not that creepy)and I will faithfully snail mail you every once in a while. I promise.

Current Mood: sad
Monday, January 28th, 2002
5:39 pm
FAMILY TIME PART 2: THE INSANITY IS RESTORED
Ok, here we go again. I have to go home now, have to go home to face them all for five fucking minutes, play nice, then go to my room and torture myself. I hate going home. I don't like human interaction. I don't like family interaction. If I could I would cut it out of my day completely, go from school to this box, where all the good people are, separated by distance. I would love to get through just one day without being harassed. I like being online, I feel powerful, I feel involved, it is the one place on earth where my intelligence IS NOT a weakness. Christ...they are just going to keep breaking me piece by piece, aren't they? Until I have nothing left...until I have no spirit...until I'm dumb and happy...*banging head off the wall* I'll go out in a blaze first.

Current Mood: scared
1:49 pm
FAMILY TIME = EMOTIONAL SUICIDE
Well, I went out with my family this morning. Don't even fucking ask, you know how it went.
On the plus side, I managed to find an old book, from 1981, a book that I read as a very young child called "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark"...of course, the stories are awful and pointless and written for young children, but the drawings are done by Stephen Gammell, and they are excellent. Holly, someone, you must remember this morbid little book from when we were very young, the elementary school library, the mediocre stories and the gruesome artwork (which most likely twisted my then-forming mind even more so). I bought the copy that I found, it's in good condition...I'm pleased about that....So now I'm reading through it, coming to the conclusion that I was one twisted little fuck as a child...the stories are rough...they are not well-written...but they get their disturbing little point across...Well, I've rambled on enough about my weird childhood...but I know Holly and possibly Kylie read these too...we were setting ourselves up, weren't we?

Current Mood: calm
Saturday, January 26th, 2002
9:36 pm
Go figure...

You are ... Jessica Lovejoy
You are ... Jessica Lovejoy from the Simpsons Quiz at Space Monkey Mafia dot com
Take the Simpsons Quiz @ Space Monkey Mafia dot com



Current Mood: apathetic
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